15 Days to Go: Gus and I can't get anything done!

This has been a very unproductive week.  I have this general anxiety level that seems to stay with me all day, and then gets even worse when I get in bed at night.  So then, of course, I don't sleep much and am pretty irritable the following day.  All of the little things that I know I have to do in the next two weeks are swirling around in my head all the time, and yet I can't seem to move forward with just getting them done.  I wish I were more like several of my best girlfriends who are masters of getting tasks done.  Anyway, I'm not, so things around here are pretty much in the same state they were in earlier in the week when I posted about having started a giant cleaning project.

It's still not done, but I know I have to get it done before Sunday, when we are hosting an Ethiopian pot-luck for a bunch of families in our area who are either in the process of or have adopted little ones from Ethiopia.  On a positive note, however, I did make a successful injera this morning as a practice batch for the party.  (For non-Ethiopiaphiles, injera is the pancake-like bread that is the base for Ethiopian cuisine, and it's hard to make.)  Gus declared it gross, and it is pretty bitter by itself, but I was pleased that it has the desired consistency.

Gus has been home from pre-school for two days for parent-teacher conferences (he got gold stars all around, of course), so he's been up to his usual antics to keep me from accomplishing anything.  Actually, he's watching a movie right now and I'm doing this, so I think he's probably not really the problem.  One of Gus' favorite past-times is looking at pictures and videos of Ruby on the computer.  I have only posted a few here, but we actually have a ton of pictures from Gladney and from a family who took over a package for us back in December.  They also took several short videos of her for us, and Gus and I love to watch them over and over again.  In almost all of the pictures and videos, Ruby is definitely not smiling.  Her expressions range from confused, to annoyed, to sad.  Gus calls this one here her "mad" face.

Gus likes for me to tell him stories about what she might be doing or thinking, and we are sure that she is spending alot of time every night wondering when Gus is coming to get her and make her laugh and smile.  He has thought of many things that he plans to show her that are going to make her laugh, Caroline & Millie (the kitties) being number one and two.  Almost everything Gus does makes Gus laugh, so we'll see if they share a similar sense of humor.  I can tell you one thing, if she thinks that farting is funny - and who doesn't? - it's going to be a non-stop laugh riot over here!  It's so nice to have little Gus around to keep me un-focused on things that don't matter too much.

I do wonder, though, what she will think of all of us.  I am having a hard time picturing the moment when we take her away from everything she knows.  Being loved and cared for at the orphanage for the last six months is her life right now, and in the videos I see her looking over to her "special mother" (her central caregiver) for reassurance the way children look at their mothers for cues when they don't know how to react to something.  On one hand, I am thankful down to my toes for how much these women love her and how wonderfully they have taken care of her, and on the other hand I am worried that she is going to be grief-stricken when we take her away.  I feel so terrible that we are going to rip away all of her fragile sense of security yet again.  It's like holding a baby down while they get a shot, but times ten.  

And speaking of shots, that reminds me of vaccines, which reminds me that we are leaving in two weeks!  I really, really need to get busy.  Next time you hear from me, this house is going to look like a museum and all of my to-dos will be done!  sure, sure, sure ...

Here's another one Gus and I like to laugh about - it's pretty easy to figure out what she is thinking ...

18 Days to Go: Frayed Nerves

I guess it's adoption nesting, but I have characteristically begun a project that is much too much for me, and one from which there is no turning back.  Last week I decided I needed to find the other half of the baby monitor.  That one simple quest was the first step down a long road that would leave me in tears, boxes and debris all over the house, paying my kids to work for me, and missing half of my hair.  Where did it all go so wrong?

20 Days to Go: the tree is awesome!

Matt has created a masterpiece for Ruby!

21 Days to Go: A genius at work

Just look at what Matt has spent the day doing!  When he said that he thought he could finish out the wall in Ruby's room, I thought that might be a stretch.  When he said that he was going to turn the new wall into a giant tree that went up onto the ceiling, I didn't even know what to think.  He spent many a summer painting houses, so I knew he could paint the wall, and he's a great artist, so I knew he could paint a tree, but I had my doubts about the possibility that it would get done in time.  Poor Matt works so hard all week, then on the weekends he's usually back at the hospital at least once, takes many phone calls, plays with the kids, hacks down bamboo in the forest in our backyard, and indulges my need to reorganize our house all the time.  He really does alot, but somehow I'm always nagging him about some unfinished project or other, because I can be annoying like that sometimes.  So, anyway, I wasn't really expecting this awesome result, but I do appreciate it, and I know Ruby will love it.  I'll post a picture of the finished result when the tree has leaves.

22 Days to Go: Doubts Creep in ...

Three weeks from today, we will be boarding a plane for London, and then on to Addis Ababa.  It's so hard to image it being reality after all these months of anticipation.  The kids are really ready as well.  At four and a half, Gus doesn't have a very firm grasp on the passage of time, and even though I have explained the time frame to him in every way I know how, he anticipates our departure around every corner.  If I tell him to put his shoes on to go with me to Target, he pauses to wonder if we will be getting the baby at Target.  When I tell him, again, that we aren't going for three more weeks, he responds by asking if we are going tomorrow.  We are really glad that Gus is so cute, because academics may not be his strong suit.  Finn, on the other hand, is a patient little person.  He is so in the moment with school, Legos, the cats, reading, and all his other pursuits, that he tends to get lost in his own life quite a bit.  When the time comes to go, he will be wild with excitement and questions and insights into every little detail of the journey.

My parents took me and my brother to Africa when I was 13 and Ted was 12.  We went with a big group of families from my brother's boy scout troop, and spent three weeks in Kenya, Tanzania, and Egypt.  It really was the trip of a lifetime, and ever since being there 23(!) years ago, I have wanted to go back.  I have very strong memories of the incredible landscape, the joyful, proud people, the animals, vivid colors and, of course, dust everywhere.

Because we were mostly on safari and not in the cities, I don't remember seeing any of the kind of poverty and disease that I know we will see on this trip.  A woman who recently returned from bringing her daughter home from Ethiopia was remarking on how hard it was to see so many orphans living on the streets, begging for food and money.  I am not sure how the boys will see all of that either.  Sometimes they surprise me with their ability to focus on themselves, and other times they ask those big picture questions that I don't know how to answer.  Part of me thinks it might be wrong to expose them to things that are sure to shake their faith in the idea that life is "fair," and then the other part of me thinks that I've been wrong to ever try to foster that belief in the first place.  I try to keep them from seeing violence, or disturbing images on the news, because I don't want them to worry about war, or bad people, or natural disasters.  It's almost as if death and suffering is as difficult to talk about as where babies come from, if not even more so.  

Finny recently asked me about 9/11, and I answered his questions pretty broadly, but I couldn't even begin to imagine what he would think if he could have seen it.  I have tried to avoid the news since the earthquake in Haiti, because how do you explain that to a child, or to yourself for that matter?  Finn once told us that if he ever thinks about me or Matt dying it makes him feel like he is going to "crack open right in the middle," and that is how I feel when I watch this horrible situation there.  It's just beyond anything I can put into words.

But then I think, while I am so busy keeping my children sheltered from anything unpleasant, children their age are living through those horrible things.  I guess I have only myself to blame when my children fall to pieces over such terrible injustices as having to share the last cookie, or not having the right batteries right away for a toy they just have to play with.  Those really are some of the worst things they have to deal with, and I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing long-term.

 So I'm sort of winging it, hoping the kids are hearty enough to see things that may be sad or hard to see, and still stay innocent and trusting.  I'm hoping that the happiness of meeting their sister and being part of that experience will outweigh everything else (including the multi-day plane trip back and forth).  Plus, I know there will be incredible, beautiful things to see as well, and great food to eat, wonderful people to meet.  And then it will be over, and we'll come back and unpack everything, little by little.

24 Days to Go!

We all arrived back safely from Houston last night, tired, but happy to be home.  The marathon was fun, hard, painful, exciting, inspiring, grueling, and we vowed we would never do another one (but Matt was on the computer last night at 12:30 informing me of upcoming marathons we could possibly enter!).  Anyway, with that under our belts, we are back and now have a million things to do before we leave.  I have been having major anxiety dreams lately, most of which involve losing Ruby somewhere, so I guess that's my subconscious trying to spur me on to get busy.  Matt and I are both people who tend to get things done only when the deadline is very close and there is alot of pressure, so neither one of us is good at spreading tasks out over a period of time to make them more manageable.  Thankfully, our adoption agency Gladney (www.gladney.org - the best!) has taken care of almost everything for us.  We just have to get ourselves, our kids and a thousand pounds of luggage over there, and they will deliver Ruby to us.  And then the fun begins!

Speaking of fun, and totally unrelated to adoption, we had a crazy night last night.  Now, you know I wouldn't want to be too graphic on a family blog like this, but let's just say that there was a major sex party at our house last night.  Unfortunately, the participants were raccoons.  We woke up around 3 am to hear as yet unidentified animals racing around the roof of our house.  After this went on for a while, I opened the blinds of the window right next to my bed, and staring me in the face was a giant raccoon.  Of course, I freaked, but the raccoon didn't flinch.  They are so creepy!  It just got closer to the window, and I felt like he was trying to figure out how to open it.  I made Matt close the blind, but then they circled around to the glass door that leads out of our bedroom to the upstairs deck.  At that point, the (multiple) males must have finally cornered the female and were having their way with her right up against the glass of the door.  It was horrifying.  This is not the kind of thing you picture when reading the childhood classic Wait Till the Moon Is Full with the cute little raccoons ice skating and playing baseball in the moonlight.  It's times like these that the treehouse nature of our house loses some of its appeal for me.

Ok, enough with the procrastinating, I have important things to do, lists to make, coffee to drink, children to rouse from bed.

More updates to come!

Finny & Gus Want to Say a Few Words

A tip from Finn . SHURUBE is coming! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURAY! And then I shouted "Gus!"
Gus says that he wants Ruby to use a saw - a big one - when she comes.  But Mom says, Ruby will have to wait a while.

The Countdown Is On

So, a week has gone by since we passed our court date, and everything is starting to fall into place.  We made our flight reservations and Gladney has booked the guesthouse we are staying in and a van and driver for us during our stay.

We leave on February 12th and fly to London overnight, where we will then spend the day, the night, and the next day before we leave to fly to Addis.  Matt's sister Kate is meeting us in London and she will then travel with us and be with us in Ethiopia.  We arrive early on Monday morning, and we will be meeting Ruby either that same day or the next day.  Crazy.  On the way back, we'll fly through London again and spend one more night, just to break up the trip, and then back to NC on the 23rd.  We were so lucky that my dad was willing to give us 100,000 frequent flyer miles, and together with mine, our NC/London flights were free.


Anyway, Matt is busily finishing up a project in the baby's room that his dad started over Christmas - there were some exposed pipes that had to be walled in, so Grandpa Gieg did his usual magic and got it all framed up. Matt has a plan that involves painting a big tree on the wall and ceiling, but I'll just be happy to have the wall built so that I can start putting cute things in the room.  As you can see from the picture, we have a way to go.
Now, enough blog-procrastinating - back to the To Do list!

Craziness!

Following a day of great emotion and thankfulness, today has been back to reality as I've spend hours upon hours on the phone and online trying to work out our travel arrangements.  I am getting close to booking it all, but I think I still have some kinks to work out.  Plus, I get extremely stressed buying tickets online - I have to check everything a million times to make sure I haven't entered the wrong month, or arranged to have us flying into a different airport than the one we left from.  So anyway, not such a fun day.  I have to keep reminding myself of the great reason for the stress, but I still don't like it.  Thanks again for all your kind words - we are so glad to be able to share it with everyone!  

Here are a few more cute pics.  The first is from the group of pictures they send us with the referral, and of course we fell in love with her bright eyes.  The second is more recent, and it fits with what they have repeated to us about her personality - apparently she is very fun and open with other children, but pretty wary of new adults.  In most of the pictures they have sent, she looks slightly annoyed with the person taking the picture.  Also, as is obvious, she is not 3 months old as my post from yesterday said - that was my inability to keep track of what year we are currently in whenever January rolls around.  She was born in October 2008, so she will be about 15 months when we bring her home.  Walking and talking and busy!

We passed!!!! We are happy to introduce Ruby!

Shurube "Ruby" Giegengack
Born Oct 20, 2008


I will post more pictures soon, but this one is one of my favorites.  We will travel to bring her home the week of Feb 15th - so exciting!

Thanks for all the kind thoughts, emails, phone calls, etc today.  I'll put more up here soon when I have a chance.

Claire

Letting go

As I'm writing this post, at 12 am on Sunday night, little Ruby has probably already been to court and is back at Gladney, maybe taking a nap or having lunch.  Whatever is going to happen over there has happened, without us.  Of course, I'm hoping everything went well and we will be getting a call in the morning telling us that we are officially parents, but I'm also prepared for a call telling us that there was a weather delay, or the judge was sick, or they want an extra stamp on some random document before they can process the adoption.  And I will have to accept that news too, and go on waiting, and be patient.

For a person with control issues like myself, international adoption has been a rough process.  I have had the illusion of control in so many aspects of my life, especially with my children, that it is hard to completely let go of all of that.  A few weeks ago, a wonderful family who was going over to Ethiopia to pick up their little son offered to take a small package over to give to Ruby for us.  I knew I wanted to include some pictures of us and the kids in one of those plastic photo albums that can be chewed on, along with some clothes and a teething ring, so I went to Target to get the photo album.  Standing in the aisle of baby products - pacifiers, teething rings, bottle warmers, baby spoons, I was immediately transported back a few years to when Finn and Gus were little babies and I was picking that stuff up for them at Target.  And, as I used to do when they were little, I became paralyzed with indecision in the aisle choosing among the various little items.  On the one hand, I don't like her to be in pain with teething, but on the other, is it good for a baby to chew on plastic?  On the one hand, the little Robeez are cute, but now that she is starting to walk, does she need a hard shoe?  Why do all the sippy cups have characters from TV shows that are really not age-appropriate for a child who still needs a sippy cup?  It is such a funny thing about motherhood that we spend so much time - maybe the majority of our days when kids are very little - making decisions or doing things that, in the big picture, you could look at and say, "who the *&^% cares?  it's just a sippy cup."  And standing in that aisle, there is certainly a voice in my head saying just that.  But on the other hand, being a mother to a little baby is just one big series of little, individually insignificant things that add up to the sum of a baby's (and a mother's) life.  Maybe every moment and every little decision are like bricks in a wall - they don't have to all be perfect, and if you are missing one here and there, your wall will be okay, but if you get sloppy or you leave out too many, the wall could fall.  (I did admit that I have control issues earlier, in case you are rolling your eyes at this point.)

Anyway, back at Target with all this going through my head, I had a moment of such sadness that I am not able to be that OCD mother for Ruby that I was for Finn and Gus.  For all I know, she's teething on a lead pipe and drinking Coke out of a bottle (obviously, I know she is not doing those things at Gladney, but you know what I mean).  So why was I still standing there, spending 20 minutes comparing the various qualities of teething products?  (In the end, I chose a flat cloth elephant with rubber feet and a squeaky nose, by the way.)  I really don't know, except that maybe this is the adoption equivalent of avoiding unpasteurized cheese and sushi when you are pregnant.  Or maybe it really does matter because is one of those things you do because you love someone and you are their mother, even if you can't hold them because they are growing arms and legs inside your stomach or they are half a world away and have no idea you even exist.

The reality is, she'll be fine in spite of all of the things she didn't have, and all of the non-organic, unsterilized, plastic, lead-paint, who knows what she was exposed to.  And I will be the happiest person in the world to find that all of that didn't matter at all.  But, I know that the minute I get my hands on her, I will be making up for lost time.